The week started out great - my tolerance level for the fighting, the mess, the noise, the demands, the irrationality was pretty high and I was calmness personified. By midweek the decline was underway, and by Friday it was serious meltdown "I can't do this" on the phone to my husband at work. I consider myself pretty strong in character, I've survived too much to be anything less, but no-one can prepare you for the relentlessness of bringing up children.
There have been some hairy moments this week - "I've breaked your compooter mummy" shouted up the stairs to me as I put the laundry away; a potty training disaster "But he's sitting on my BEDROOM CARPET!" reported the panic-stricken big brother (leave that to your imagination); and the wrestling that gets out of hand just as I've made it to the bathroom to avoid my own near-miss. Of course, some magical ones too - my eldest helping me out by putting his and his brother's shoes on as we got ready to leave the house; when he finally learned to actually balance on the balance bike and the ear-to-ear grin that went with it; and just watching them enjoy each other's company and make up games together ('dinosaur-hunting' was a good one). If only you could have a lunch break with this job, I'm sure it would be easier to get through the afternoon, surely there ought to be a European Directive. 24 hours a day for 18 years can't be optimum working conditions.
Anyway the weekend emergency respite team (aka hubby) has arrived and thankfully I have had some head space this morning. It may sound selfish to those that don't need 'head space' from their children or anything else for that matter, but I can't live my life to only please others. It isn't about being selfish anyway. Another great comment from my therapist was "Your children's needs are 100% important and your needs are 100% important". I used to argue against that sentiment - well if my children and I are both hungry, I would always feed them first. But the sentiment is not about prioritising, of course I will always prioritise my children's needs over my own, that is a mother's natural instinct I think. It is more about meeting your own needs in addition to your children's. It's a juggling game, and some days their needs take priority all day long, so that by the end of the day it feels as if there is nothing left of me. My resilience to these stresses is not as good as the twenty-something mum that can home birth seven children, breastfeed them all, cope with all the washing, and home-school them, then be filmed with a big smile on her supermodel face for a documentary on top (did you see that programme, on ages ago, astounded me?!). My resilience against stress did not develop fully in childhood, hence my predisposition for depression (postnatal depression wasn't my first incidence). That resilience guards you from depression is well documented. I wish I could be Monday-morning-calm all week through, but in the absence of that I do the best I can, even though sometimes I feel that is not good enough, and my heart feels selfish for even needing/wanting a break this morning. In my head I know I am a better mother after a break than I was before it.
So I managed a little card therapy this morning to help focus my mind and clear my head. I have re-worked a butterfly I previously made but didn't like on its intended card, and put it on a different card. I have done a bit of quilling too, which is just great for relaxation.
I have used +Craftwork Cards scallop and sentiment die-cuts, butterfly stamp template and Card Candi, all bought at their factory outlet clearance sale a few weeks ago. A stripe of washi tape and there is my card.
I would like to enter this card into the Polkadoodles Blog Challenge - Let it Fly and
A Creative Romance Blog Challenge - No Designer Papers, many thanks!
I have also finally managed to make a pin-wheel, which I have been meaning to do for ages so that will be the focus of my next card when I get chance for it!
Diet update: well that was another thing getting to me by Friday - despite being strict with myself I still don't feel like I am losing any weight and I'm sure I would be aware if I was, and given my low mood by the end of the week I fell off the wagon spectacularly last night to the tune of copious amounts of Minstrels and chilli peanuts. I am more convinced than ever that I am fighting against the effects of my medication particularly since reading this blog post on Evolutionary Psychiatry (although point to note - don't bother reading her last judgemental, patronising paragraph). Frighteningly - in the comments section - posts the marathon runner who went from having a six pack to putting on 25lbs of fat on antidepressants. I am no marathon runner so what chance do I have? Anti-depressants and weight gain as a side effect is obviously not a pressing concern for the pharmaceutical industry, and I'm sure they are probably working on a drug they can sell you as an add-on for this, just to make a few more billion out of those of us that have dysfunctional brain chemistry. Anyway, I'm back on it today and we'll see what my Monday morning weigh-in brings. At the very least I need some evidence to take to my GP if I want her to re-investigate my thyroid or last resort - consider changing my drug.
Would love to hear your experiences if you stop by, and hope your weekend is an enjoyable one,
Emma x
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